Black Friday is a bizarre American tradition—a day that is both derided and beloved, depending on who you ask. Whatever your stance, I think we can all agree that the confluence of excitement, anger, frustration, and bloodthirst creates sometimes seriously dangerous conditions.
You can prepare yourself for the worst with the help of these illustrated excerpts from Clint Emerson’s 100 Deadly Skills: Survival Edition (Amazon | B&N | Indiebound). Whether you’re a die-hard 4 a.m. doorbuster shopper, or you forget what day it is and find yourself at the mall to run an errand and fearing for your life, these tips are likely to come in handy.
(Related: 7 Books About Dysfunctional Families (To Read Instead of Interacting With Yours This Thanksgiving)
No. 003: Train To Survive
If you’re not physically prepared to take on #blackfriday, maybe it’s best to wait for Cyber Monday (like me!).
No. 044: Depend a Ship Against Pirates
No one is stealing YOUR booty. In this scenario the cart is the ship and that person eyeing your Gilmore Girls box set is the pirate… you get it.
No. 058: Barricade Inward-Opening Doors
Once you’re inside Target, bar the doors. This will ensure you have a peaceful shopping experience. (Can’t guarantee the managers will approve but I’m sure the other employees will love the initiative.)
No. 084: Survive a Human Stampede
Self explanatory, and sadly, actually relevant. Take Clint’s advice and prepare yourself for the worst.
No. 088: Send a Distress Signal by Day
Sometimes the only thing left to do is send an SOS.
On second thought, you really should just wait for cyber Monday. Happy Thanksgiving!!